Differences

Saturday would have our anniversary, and I didn't realize that until I was hanging out with my ex-boyfriend. Yes, on Saturday. You see what a terrible person I am?

It's strange to think of where I was a year ago. I change so quickly and so often that memories sometimes seem more like cinematic vignettes, like they happened to a character who reminded me of myself but who is someone separate. Of course, that's not the case. Life moves on, and it moves on quickly.

After a weekend of trying to get my head around things, I realized that I really had to talk to my ... love interest. (I'm totally lost as to how I ought to title him within the context of our relationship). He's leagues beyond what I'm feeling in terms of commitment, both to me as a person as to us as a unit. The idea of being part of a couple again honestly just freaks me out, and the more I thought about it the more I felt I had to talk to him. After all, he's as much a part of the situation as I am, and-- like I said-- more invested in it than I am willing or able to be.

So of course I am feeling awful about myself after having sent him this email; not that I was cruel, of course, but just for the fact that I am essentially cutting him off and saying that we need to calm down, take a step back, and move more slowly. His response is, true to form, heart-rending in its earnest sweetness. He says he understands, though, so that's something... I just wish I could understand my own head better.

This got lengthy awful fast, but since the point is to make myself write and to untangle the things in my life, I guess I can't complain. Hopefully I can finagle a more light-hearted post next time, and of course I will be updating as things go down.