Correspondences:

So I have been a terrible blog-mama of late. This poor critter is damn near abandoned, but the best explanation I could offer would take weeks at least.

Instead, I will offer this letter that I wrote tonight, as an explanation to one of my dear friends why I have not been around:

(Names and details included; you have been warned).




I'm not going to pretend I wasn't hurt and upset at what happened today. You're right. It was inappropriate. It was not, however, anybody's fault, and I understand why you did it. I'm glad you did. I would much rather know how my friends are feeling than to be kept placated. I understand that it comes from love, though I admit it's kind of a strange concept. I am used to being able to drop in and out of my own life without anybody noticing or caring much. Stupid, right? I admit that today was something of an ambush; I might have come off as clueless because I was caught tired and unsuspecting, and certainly not ready to defend myself. I can, though. I am strong in my choices, lately, and whether you approve of them or not I want to share them with you.

You were right when you said we are adults now. It's a wonderful thing, and I am finally realizing what it means. When I moved out from my mom's house-- when I started working at Cantabria, and being able to take care of myself financially, even in small ways-- when I ended things with Scott-- even when I started things with Andy-- I felt freer in my decisions than I ever have before. I spend a lot of time trying to make people happy; I never will be able to do that, though, not fully, and I realized I have to do what's right for me. I will do my best to summarize what I have done, and why I have done it.

First, the romantic situation. It's not as defining a factor in everything as it might seem, but it's the most easily gossiped about and I want to clear things up. You're right. Things happened suddenly. You probably remember, though, that I was disenchanted with the idea of a relationship with Scott for quite awhile before things really ended. I ignored a lot of my gut feelings about the situation because I didn't trust myself after the miserable failure that was the end of my relationship with Sam. I knew things would not work out between Scott and I, but I kept up a lot of pretense because at the time I thought that was the better thing to do; I thought real feelings for him would come in time. I see now that I lead him on, and I am sorry for that. He and I have talked about it, though, and as far as I know we are on good terms. I was as honest with him as I could be, which is as right as I could have done by him-- at least, as I see it. It might seem hard to believe, but there was no overlap between the Scott and Andy chapters (or whatever they would be). Part of the problem was that Scott and I saw things very differently, and that he saw things the way he wanted to see them, and ignored what I had been trying to tell him for weeks. We talked about it, afterward, and both acknowledged that this was the case. He also admitted that a lot of the things he said-- like saying he loved me-- were fabrications that he half-consciously pulled out in order to sweep me off my feet. Like I said, though, he and I have talked and have made our peace.

Of course, everything with Andy began very soon afterward; a week, maybe. That anything happened at all came as a surprise to both of us, since we'd each decided independently that we didn't have any chance with the other. Strange fates! Here's the thing, though: we're not official. We're not dating. We're not calling it anything. We are moving only from moment to moment, and sharing what we feel as we encounter it. It-- whatever "it" is-- exists very much in the moment. We do see each other very, very often; there is certainly a wealth of emotion there. I knew he was leaving, though, and expected him to be gone by May. I have made clear that I don't want to stand in his way, that I don't want to be the wrench in his plans. As far as I know, I'm not. He decided to stay because the one theater he heard back from had already started the show, and would need him down there immediately; he couldn't leave his job and apartment on 48 hours notice, so he decided not to take it. He is staying for the summer more for work and money than he is for Liz MacGregor. He doesn't want a repeat of the Jessie episode any more than I want to cause him to go through that again. So there's that.

He is a wonderful, wonderful person, and lately he has been the sole representation of a calm sort of happiness in what is otherwise a very taxing and stressful period of transition in my life. He is patient, and understanding, and gentle, beyond being brilliant and charming and funny. He brings out better things in me, too-- tranquility, and what I would hope to call maturity. You don't have to approve. I have nothing but good feelings about him and about us, which is more than I can say for any other relationship I've ever had.

On to the less exciting things-- namely, school. You know how much I was struggling; you know how little hope I had for doing well this semester. After I moved out of my mom's house, I suddenly had uninterrupted time to myself in which I could think, and re-evaluate. I realized that the reason I kept fighting for my enrollment and my aid this semester-- why I had enrolled at all in Fall-- was because I believed it was the Right Thing to do, even though it was not what I wanted. I have realized recently that, if I don't actively seek what feels right and what makes me happy, my life will never be as right and happy as I hope for it to be. I talked to several different offices and gave myself a week to consider and weigh the options, and I decided that withdrawing from classes was the best thing to do. I would rather have four Ws on my transcripts than four Fs, or even some splattered combination of Fs and Ds and Cs-- and that's precisely where I was headed. I never did get Financial Aid for Spring, so I don't owe the federal government anything. I talked to Records about petitioning to have the charges for Spring semester removed from my account (since I won't be receiving any credits) and, from the way they have made it sound, it will very likely be accepted. If not, I still have options-- more than I did before I made the decision to withdraw. Honestly, it lifted such a weight from my heart. I feel like this was absolutely the right thing to do for myself. If all goes well, I will be back in the fall, and so much more prepared than I have been before. This is by no means a permanent change, just a product of circumstance. Hopefully that will be amended.

This is already getting to be so long; I'm sorry. I feel like there is still plenty to explain...

Alright, so I want to say now that I never meant to ditch anyone. After I dropped my classes, though, it was suddenly a huge challenge to try and match people's schedules with my own, and beyond that my days have been so filled with errands and work and little chores that they escape from me completely. I never meant to hurt anybody's feelings. I do, however, have responsibilities to my own life, and I needed to take care of those first and foremost. That made me scarce; that was the way it had to be, however.

As for the house situation, we had found one, and I had agreed to it without even being able to see it yet. I had the deposit set aside, as did KD, Kirky, and Ramey, but unfortunately the deal fell through. It was not my fault, or anyone else's; just the owner's decision. In no way was it because of my inaction, and after we lost it Ramey and I talked and decided to move in together-- we figured it would be easier for Kirky and KD to find a 2-bedroom than a 4-bedroom. Last I heard, that's where things stood. I never dropped out of any house-hunting; I more than pulled my weight in looking, when it was looking we were doing. It simply did not work out.

So, to make a very long message rather short, I want to apologize for slighting you, or excluding you from my life. I never meant to. I didn't really feel like I had anything to report or contribute either, though, so I didn't think it was necessary for me to be finding my way onto campus regularly when my schedule was so vastly different from everyone else's. I have tried, but unfortunately the few times I have stopped by I have just missed everyone (there are witnesses to this, I swear).

Ceara, my dearest, nobody has been so loving to me as you have been. Of course, love takes many forms, but I am grateful for that! I often feel that I don't have anybody but myself to turn to when things get really difficult, and I see now that I was overlooking a wonderful friend. I regret that. You have been an absolute blessing to me, unquestionably, through very strange times in my life. You are better family to me than my own family. I hope, though, that you can forgive my lack of communication, and we can have friendlier lunches in the future. I hope you can look past what seem like wrongdoings towards our other friends (which, I assure you, I never meant to execute. I am clumsy with feelings, and can sometimes be very oblivious). I hope I have not done you, you personally, you independently, any great harm-- and that, if I have, we can address it and still be close. That is all I am really sorry for: that I have hurt you, or anyone. I never, ever meant for that. I have been kind of in love with my independence, though, I can't lie; I think I let myself be blinded by that. I am growing all the time, however. I can feel it. I am trying to be better in any way I can, and I am discovering and realizing new things all the time; I hope that I can share them with you sometime soon, without worrying that my every word is being weighted against the long silence that preceded it.